Biogs     

Elwood - Lighting/Vocals/Choreographer

My biog... born 1842 (thats just gone twenty to seven) worked undercover as a baby (infiltrating the notorious dirty diaper snatching gang) until the age of 14 when I was spotted by Hughie Green of Opportunity knocks fame, he was heard to say "oy get the f@£$ out of my apple tree you thieving little shite" so he made me put all the leaves back (its really difficult to do cos spit isnt very adhesive) I then joined the girl guides, not officially, I stowed away in their tour bus but I did have my own woggle which I still have and stare at it daily .When I'd finished working for her majesty ..no not prison.. I cleaned up the gargoyle wee... I met Steve and then the rest of the band and thats when my life went really strange!!!!!

Jane Smith - Keyboards and Eddies better half

Eee Elwood, That's nothin'. When I were a lass, me mum sent me owt to work after school t' Kew Gardens t'sew fallen petals back on t' rhondedendrons. I used to have t' be there all night if it had been windy. I joined the girl guides and it was me job to clean out t'tour bus. I remember one day I found a young laddie oggling his woggle in t' luggage compartment. He were mutterin' somethin' about getting his abseiling badge & I found out later he'd been fraternising with the bluetit patrol. After I'd left school, I was employed cleaning piano strings at Steinways in London. The owner always made me do it whilst he played Tchaikovsky's piano concerto No.1 & I had to try not get me fingers caught in t' hammers. Then I met Eddie, joined Cerberus & things start to get hazy............

I forgot to mention I was employed on a seasonal basis by mother nature painting green leaves with immac so they'd turn brown at the end of the summer (trees don't have good memories so sometimes they forget to do it themselves).

Paul Dockree - Lead Guitar

You two were lucky I used to dream of being a girl guide or brownie but our family could only afford black and white so i was sort of a greyie..Was whipped twice hourly by a nasty uncle until I learned to pick up a plectrum then he whipped me thrice hourly. I started enjoying it so he stopped. I Ran away at a young age about 7 months I think. came home after I discovered myself. 7 months1 min (didn't have to look far) picked up a guitar then put it down again (wasn't that strong at 7 months) then with the help of 2 accomplices sorry I mean aquaintances we formed Cerberus and the world stopped spinning, I fell off.......

Eddie Smith - Rhythm Guitar

'Course I had it really tough...... When I was a baby, me mam used to give me a freezing cold bath in iron filings and then peg me out on the washing line to dry by my ears. I was asked to leave the girl guides....alone. Me first job was mowing the local cricket pitch with a pair of nail scissors. Formed a band called the plastic spoons pacifistic floating anarchy / go-bug and happy harry head concept band....this didn't help! Experimented with several instruments, the siberian nose flute, an ocarina fashioned from a rice krispie, the annular thunder maker, and pube ukelele. Joined Cerberus and learning to be a real honest to goodness hard core nutter.

Chris Cummings - Bass/Vocals

You poor, sad, lonely individuals - if only you knew wot I'd been through to get everyone where they are now, you'd probably know more than you should and definitely more than I can let on! I'll tell you a little tale which will make yer hair turn white (I told some of it to Paul a while ago - need I say more?).

The whole evil plan was started when I decided to form a community group for waifs and strays. Having gone through all the colours of the rainbow I settled on the perfect name (pause for scary music - dan dan dar!) THE BROWNIES.!

I recruited a young wippersnapper name of Blues to do my dirty work. You see I was that seasonal basis(t) and I liked the colour of his leaves. He'd soon infiltrared the deadly tour bus. Keeping in contact via subtle twists and turns of his woggle he was able to point out a scrawny bird who showed some talent and the ability to clean my piano strings whilst I was playing! I'd already suspected she had nimble hands the way she could sew the pettles back on the rhododendrons I kept defoliating at Kew!

Whilst all this was going on I still had to find the time to beat the living crap out of me nephew in order to get him half decent on the old banjo we had lying around. It was the first and last time in his life he could keep to a beat! He wanted to join the Brownies but I new it'd be too tough a life for the wimp so I just beat him harder until he started to like it.

The next section of this story is a sad tale. A tale of washing lines, iron filings and ears so big you could pick up satellite tv 20 years before it were invented. The half crazed ramblings of the plastic spoons pacifistic floating anarchy / go-bug and happy harry head concept band's lyrics were the perfect cover for the brainwashing sessions which were required, by law and with a full money back guarantee, to get this lad anywhere near ready for his future life. It took many many many washes before I realized I was wasting my time. His brain was too far gone (the 60's revisited man), all he wanted to do was stick things up his nose, defile his breakfast and play with his newly found pubes!

The last part of the plan was the most cunning and took some years in preparation. By now the nephew was on board with the program and using him I lured an unsuspecting brummie with a fetish for hitting his skins ? hard ? I mean really hard ? like diamond encrusted titanium, you get the picture. Posing as a muso (and he's still posing!) the boy and me persuaded this unsuspecting trekkie to drive us to our favorite pub (the Two Brewers), buy us lots of beer, then feed us on curry over and over again. If only he new what was in store for him for the next few decades ? the poor misguided fool.

Rounding everyone up and getting them to work for me as slaves was easy. Gradually, over a period of years (it should have been weeks but I had to keep going over and over a certain rhythm guitarist part!) everyone fitted into place and Cerberus was born! Since then they've done all the work ? and I get all the money!! (wot kitty? I aint seen one!!)

Steve King - Drums/Vocals

Right then!

I was born at an early age in Kent, dragged up in Brummigham and then sold into slavery in Luton to a suspicous Fagin character with a red beard who forces me to hit things and suffer intense heat and volumes on a Saturday night. To make the torment worse he then sent me oop North and appointed a 'minder' who dresses all in black and wears shades (even at night!) and forces me to drive two hours in each direction for every gig. He then recruited a tantalising blonde
teenager to dance provocatively - just out of reach - at each gig to make sure that the mental torture was complete.

What? You thought I did this for fun ????

The story so far, a tale of Blues, Brownies, Beatings, Big ears and Brummies!

BUT WAIT ?.THAT'S ONLY FIVE MEMBERS !! I hear you cry .

This is the tale of the missing link. Like the ghosts at Christmas it came in three guises ? a pretty little blond, ex-girlfriend of Lemmy, a larger more frightening multicoloured haired Amazon and a boozer ? guess which one we're left with! (The clue is in the first part of the story? god it's so easy. I don't have to do this you know, I could be doing something far more interesting like watching paint dry). Anyway I fell over this bundle in the street. Fearing it to be Mad Jack of Hockwell Ring come to show me his latest hit record I gave it a quick kick. To my surprise it groaned "purple haze" and offered me a beer. Instantly recognising his qualities for off key crooning and heavy drinking I signed up Martin Halloran (Lead Vocals) and the rest, as they say, is history.